5/5: no. 8

20140611-231313.jpg20140611-231304.jpg20140611-231255.jpg20140611-231239.jpg20140611-231223.jpgThere is this place, witnessed by the stand of mountains that includes the Three Sisters. Blackberry cider by the pint. Globe-light strands crosshatched with contrails high in the blue. Trees thick with strong, leafy arms dashed through with the low glow of summertime evening sun. Kid chins smeared with chocolate ice cream, knees rashed from running through the long grasses. Grill smoke. Someone drove a convertible MG with the top down. This is not a place requiring hush, everyone is loose and happy, all are welcome. Go ahead and linger. Pick up your neighbors napkin drifted by the breeze, and return it, smiling. Keep laughing at the tales told at your table and drift your eyes southward, pinpoint your children, briefly. Order another round.

And I tell myself: this is why.

5/5: no. 7


I am accumulating houseplants and pets. This makes me suspicious. This is a transformation, a direct contradiction of the bylaws of the committee of Me.

Across the windowsill above the sink, they’ve started to line up — the coleus she planted in preschool, barely kept alive for two years. A strawberry plant gifted from family. Lemon balm spontaneously added to the cart at Trader Joe’s two days ago, in a fit of nostalgia. A hen-and-chick pulled by the kid from a crumbling curb-side planting in San Francisco, toted home in her suitcase. Basil. Philodendron.

What is happening? My best guess: the experiment is working. When we yanked the pull string on the dervish of our Big Move, the objective was simplification. Slow down, trim away the crushing demands we’d built into our lives. Require less.

Make Space.

Space to breathe. Space to see. Space to pause. Space to find the horizon, to think, to stretch out our arms and welcome the new. Welcome the mess of life. Welcome each other in again.

When I’m very quiet, I can see that our life has loosened at the edges, widened its corners. There are tentative signs that we’ve got sustenance to spare. It’s possible that our cups are now more full than empty and we’re ready to share.

Maybe I can take care of a houseplant. And some chickens. Maybe I’ve found the space.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 6





(I guess I like photos of ice cream.)

Somehow, today came out even. She sang “Three Little Birds” while we made our beds, after a long undercover snuggle-up. I made a list of dinners for the week. I drank my coffee warm and the egg yolks came out medium-soft and she ate everything on her plate. I did not take personally her thrashing protestations over going with me to the grocery store.

I did forget to make the sushi rice and nearly forgot ballet lessons and that blue laundry basket is still sitting by back door, full. Which brings to mind yesterday’s photo of the fox caught in his cottage under a laundry landslide … there is a lot of laundry. Laundry and ice cream.

I spent my earning hours wisely, clickety clicking my way through an assignment, efficient. Every now and then, I get a project that gladdens me. That surprises me in its organized and clear direction, its ease.

Just now, I can hear the pained tones of a Mary Poppins audiobook drifting from the treehouse windows. Across the counter, soft shine of Pyrex bowls, upside down and drying. A tiny pot of lemon balm in the window. (It used to grow like a weed in my childhood backyard, that and mint. I would pick them both in bunches and tie the stems with twine, hang them upside-down in my dusty playhouse to dry. Pretending to be an herbalist witch, mason jars filled with water from the hose, making murky teas.)

A stack of receipts and paper scraps tallies everything we owe to friends, a nasty little snowball of small, incidental, but personal IOUs. I am forgetful when it comes to three things: listening to voicemail, paying people back, thank you notes. Anything that involves phone calls or stamps. A lifelong wicked splinter in my personal integrity.

Turns out, she can blow a party noisemaker with her nose.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 5




It’s very quiet. The house hums softly–refrigerator, cat purr, the spouse pacing through the house to check the chickens in the box in the laundry room, lock the front door, look for his phone. It’s dark and time for bed. I tucked her in with sticky, unbrushed hair but managed to wash the mud from her feet. Now she’s loose-limbed and warm to the touch, deep asleep.

All day the light shifted between sickly orange to clear and bright. Uneasiness, everywhere. It’s hotter than it should be and the fitful breezes smell like smoke. The city shut off the surface water supply, everyone is on well water for now. Six thousand acres burned. We’ll sleep with the windows closed.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 4




It started out a perfectly clear day. Mama, this is like a summer day out of storybook. Everyone is smiling … She correctly used the word “dappled” to describe the light through the oak trees.

The man dug a trench and laid cinderblocks, chicken coop finally happening. It’s a good thing, since The Girls are really too big for their box and yesterday I heard a bona fide cluck.

Meantime, a spark flew. An ember got loose. Over 300 acres are burning just a few miles outside of town, and neighborhoods are evacuated. A plume rose in the distance, a dark purple column billowing above our junipers. The sun was a red circle, everything bathed in pinkish orange light. Sunset light at two o’clock in the afternoon.

The children ran free in the backyard, hooking elbows to spin in circles and sing. I drank four or five glasses of really great wine with my sister-in-law. We watched Chris Hadfield singing in a tin can and the dog lazed, chewing on clumps of grass.

And all the while, shadows were too high in contrast, everything tinged in sepia. I thought about The Road. The city turned off the surface water supply. Just a precaution.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 3


And that was it. Closing ceremonies, tears, picnic surrounded by wildflower meadows, fish pond, a surprise gelato cart, picnic blankets pulled together under a shade tree, funny muddy kids, and our good, good people. Our new people. We love our people, and what a comfort to know we’ll return to them in September. Already, we’re plotting sleepovers and cocktail nights, meetups at the river, and more. God, I love summer.

The main thing is, I don’t have to pack a lunchbox for 79 days.
The main thing is, we can sleep as long as want, wake up to cat attacks, full sun, lawnmowers growling, the sprinklers already off for the day, grass still misted, warm breeze pushing in the curtains.
The main thing is, we did it–another year down, this one especially fretful, at first, until we found our place and our thriving and our new friends.
The main thing is, nothing but salad for dinner.
The main thing is, we have a sweet, gold Westfalia that needs to be washed, vacuumed out, started up, and stocked. (I remember once my brother inherited an ancient shell of a car that’d been stored in our grandparents’ pole barn, and when he started the engine, dozens of acorns blasted out of the tailpipe in a cloud of blue smoke — precious squirrel cache annihilated just like that.)
The main thing is, despite a niggling list of freelance assignments piling ever higher (thank you, thank you, friends and universe), she’s old enough to disappear inside chapter books while I earn.
The main thing is, hammock time.
The main thing is, school is out, summer is in, we have chickens in our laundry room, and the family is coming over to swing hammers and sling lemonade, Coop or Bust.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 2






Mama, can you stay right in this aisle? she asks worriedly, knobby knees and legs dangling over the edge of the library chair. Of course, I reassure. She tucks her chin down and is swept away by Ellen Tebbits’ difficulties with woolen underwear. I scan the shelves and once again slide out The Mysteries of Edward Tulane, skim, nod yes.This will be our next out-loud book.

My favorite day is library day. We know the shelves so well, make a beeline for our favorite sections, and in minutes our cloth grocery bag is stuffed with pounds of books. At home, we heave the bag onto the dining table and feel rich. We snuggle under a blanket feet-to-feet, or wiggle into the hammock.

She’ll cry out with delight or surprise at a plot twist and recount it for me. I admire this. Unlike her, I turn into a growling beast at the slightest hint of libris interruptus and I will not break the sanctity of the storyspace by “telling you what it’s about.” She, on the other hand, wants to share like a gossip. I encourage this with murmurs and exclamations. Oh? … Mmmm … I think I remember that bit …

I hope fervently that she’ll always want to share remarkable events, surprises, slights, questions. So far, she does the same with playground news. Sometimes she comes home troubled. I don’t think I should tell you, mama … but I need to tell you …

So we talk about honesty, and being a good friend, and how sometimes someone will ask you to keep a secret in your heart like keeping a yucky, spoiled apple in your pocket. If a secret makes you feel bad, or worried, or scared, your trusted grownups will help you. We talk about Ralph S. Mouse’s confession of the wrecked motorcycle, and being forgiven. Patrick’s betrayal of the secret Indian and cupboard, and Omri’s wrath. What it must feel like to hide behind a curtain as the powerful Oz, when you’re only a humbug.


We cleared out her cubby today, fuzzy slippers and spare mittens hauled home, the back corners swept clean of small treasure debris — stones, leaf skeletons, bits of colored beeswax, bottlecaps. She takes me to her desk, tells me she’ll miss it. In twenty-four hours this magical, trying, testing, thriving year will arrive at summer intermission. Strawberry lemonade, cooing doves, the sulphur of early fireworks, flipping our pillows to the cool side.

We walk underneath the maples. Oh, I love the way this kind of tree makes the light glow … We stop for $1 ice cream cones and she makes me eat most of hers. Too sweet. She likes the cone part best.

5/5 Creative Challenge: no. 1

I’m participating in a creative challenge by the new-to-me and very lovely writer/artist Christina Rosalie. There’s only one thing to do, to soothe the itch in my fingers that begs me back to the writing board every day — write. This will be a fun kickstart. And maybe it will finally force me to store my 3,233 photos somewhere other then my phone, for the love of god.

The 5/5 Creative Challenge has two pieces: five snapshots that represent your day, five minutes of writing words that represent your day. You can find more detail and read about Christina’s recently PDX-transplanted family on her blog. Meantime, here’s my first go …

She always asks me back for one more hug. Mama, mama, huggie. She still says that word, even now at seven-almost-eight. (She still loves her own freckles, still eats noodles with her fingers.) I escape her bedtime room, leaving daddy on the floor in the dark to talk her into dozing. Out here, the dishwasher is shushing and through the patio door I can see a stray fork on the picnic table, forgotten when we cleared dinner. It’s warm enough to eat outside, most nights, now.The juniper are stamped out of the dusk sky. I keep thinking, in two days it will be summer vacation and we will wake up at 9:00 and sometimes eat popsicles for breakfast. In front of me are packets of wildflower seeds, waiting. For mulch, for me.

Our first CSA bounty arrived from the valley, smelling of mud and honesty: small potatoes, carrots, lettuce, kale, garlic, a massive onion, a little treasure box filled with dark red strawberry gems that we sliced, sluiced with cream, and ate immediately.

By the kitchen door is the blue laundry basket piled carelessly with towels and the crumpled picnic blanket from our weekend day at the river, with friends from out town. I miss them. I miss their girls and the full, right feeling of a flock of children wandering through my house, someone needs to pee, someone is hungry, someone won’t eat that, someone is bored. I love all of that delightful mess, like a mother hen. The oldest made us meringues from scratch and they tasted like toasted marshmallows. Which reminds me, somewhere we have weird vanilla taffy candies from Chinatown. It’s 9:49, see. This is when I scrounge the back corners of the pantry for hidden sweets and wonder if he’s fallen asleep in there, on her floor, again. The cat (the fat one) scratches on the glass to be let in for the night.

The Great Grain Refrain

Ed note: I wrote this weeks ago, but delayed posting it because I was getting some weird splashback from my experiment — people get offended, for whatever reason, when you change your diet and share the experience. But today, I decided to hit “publish” — because a significant number of friends are supportive and curious, and asked me for the full story. I think it’s important to share our experiences if there’s a chance we can help each other become more vibrant, happy, healthy people. If my avoiding bread and crackers upsets you or fills you with anxiety, that’s OK. I was there, once. I’m not going to start posting paranoid fringe articles about our poisoned food supply. I believe in research and I believe each body is different. I also believe mightily in the importance of food and pleasure. I’d never ask you to give up pretzels or cheesecake or a wicked good meatball sub. In fact, this isn’t me giving advice. It’s just my tale. Feel free to share your thoughts in comments — just be nice.


Baguettes. Croissants. Grilled toast dipped into warm, golden yolks. Quesadillas. Triscuits, in handfuls, straight from the box. Chocolate cake. Cinnamon cookies. Bagels (oh, man –toasted, charred bits of garlic and sesame seeds, slathered with melty cream cheese, whoa). Pretzels dunked in hummus. Rice crackers. Bowls of oatmeal, thick with cream, swirled with brown sugar and cardamom. Pasta. More pasta. Donuts. Corn chips …

Thirty days later, it was more like this: Bratwurst with sauerkraut, caramelized onions, and stoneground mustard. Flank steak with chimichurri sauce. Sesame-crusted chicken thighs. Over-easy eggs, fried in butter (from grass-fed cows, natch) and dropped over a pile of arugula and bacon. Avocado-cucumber salad. Baby chard tossed in olive oil and sea salt. Roasted broccoli with crispy shallots. Grilled, cumin-spiked cauliflower. Pink lady apples for days. Dark chocolate. Red wine. Almonds. Mango pureed with coconut milk, vanilla, and chia seeds. Tangy yogurt with toasted pistachios. Kimchee. Kombucha. Spaghetti squash carbonara. Eggs poached in spicy tomato sauce. Sweet potatoes mashed with ghee and sea salt. Strawberry-spinach salad …


I’d watched my best friend transform her health on the so-called “paleo” diet last year and kept saying I’d try it. Then I’d say, no effing way am I giving up English muffins or Cheez-its. I read about it and came away confused and paranoid.There were forums where people exchanged hate mail over whether or not you’re allowed to drink kefir.

I absolutely do not think all wheat is inherently bad or gluten is poison — not for everyone. OK, maybe I’m a tiny bit obsessed with how GMOs have totally mucked up our American grain supplies and NO WONDER so many people can’t digest anything anymore, but … that wasn’t why I did this. Be clear on that. I think way too many people are jumping on the GF bandwagon because they once had a stomachache or they want a miracle cure for life or because they are living in fear, in general, of the world being poisonous. That’s not me.

But I wanted to feel better. I didn’t want to (and still don’t want to) label my approach to food. And I didn’t want to feel pinned in by rules or trends. I know from experience that if I’m denied something, I’ll think of nothing else but that. I wanted to enjoy salad again. Beat the cracker habit. Reset my palate for fresh, colorful meals. Find some richly nutritious, super delicious dinner recipes. Stop buying produce only to toss it in the trash, slimy and wilted, a week later. Start cooking again, with a cutting board and knife, instead of ripping open a box.

And I wondered … could I stop waking up with stomachaches every single day? Would the scale numbers stop creeping upward? Could I feel less foggy, crabby, and lethargic? Just by making vegetables and good proteins the stars of the show? Maybe.

On January 22, reading a Facebook post about so-and-so’s weight loss on the “paleo” program, I thought, OK fine. One week. What the heck. Only, it’s not paleo. I’m not giving up full-fat dairy — there will be cream in my coffee, the occasional slice of cheese. And I won’t beat myself up for eating a piece of chocolate. Honey is still in. Wine, for sure.

I didn’t prepare, or go shopping in advance, or purge my pantry. I just … stopped eating grains. All grains. Including legumes. That day. Because the truth was, the vast majority of what I was shoving into my face was bread, crackers, cereal, and beans. If I was going to reset my palate for fresh vegetables and healthy protein, I had to go 100%. I was eating grain-based foods when I was emotional, bored, stressed, or trying to relax. And this meant, I was eating grains all of the time. Or sweets. Or grain-based sweets.

I posted about this on Facebook, and qualified it with statements like, “I’m now one of those jerks who’s not eating bread and is walking around with glowing skin. You can slap me.” Because I knew what was going to happen — people were going to be offended, freaked out, annoyed. Eyes would roll. And honestly, I was finding it pretty funny and obnoxious too. But then, my best friend called me out, with something like, “You’re taking care of yourself and feeling great. You can share that and be happy about it.” She was right.

Yes, I did get concerned notes and texts telling me that the whole thing was bogus, non-scientific. My extended family seemed nervous about inviting me over to dinner. Some friends who normally interact with me regularly via social media went tellingly quiet. Yeah. It had ripple effects. But mostly, people were supportive, excited, curious. (Interestingly, several friends quietly joined me — only most of them made a point of telling me they didn’t want to “go public,” which … well. That’s kind of awful, right? That there’s such a stigma to trying something new for your health that you need to hide it?)

I got a lot of questions. I’ll answer some of them here.

How did you start? Was it awful? And … you mean all grains?
Yep. All grains. I ate no grains or legumes at all, for what turned into 42 days (more on that later). I ate very high-quality meats, local eggs, vegetables, a little fruit, full-fat organic dairy (though less milk and cheese — mainly cultured yogurt, cream, and butter). Here’s what the first week was like: I was starving for the first two days, petulant. “But what am I going to eaaaaat?!” I went to bed angry, having not satiated the late-night Snack Beast. It quickly became apparent that I’d need to load up on produce. I’d need twice our usual number of local eggs. And since I’m very, very squeamish about meat production, I’d need to pay more regular visits to our fantastic, local butcher.

So, that’s what I did. I replaced the pile of pasta or rice with an even bigger pile of salad or roasted vegetables. I swapped the daily toast under my fried egg for greens. I upped my egg count to two, added bacon. I filled avocado halves with tuna salad. Bought toasted coconut chips to satisfy the need for sweets. Stocked up on seeds and nuts. Experimented with (holy expensive but delicious) almond flour, which, it turns out, makes fantastic pancakes. I made at least two vegetables for every dinner: a fresh salad and a cooked root vegetable or roasted cruciferous, usually. Small portions of meat replaced grain-based sides.

How long did it take to feel the effects?
Five days in, I realized I hadn’t even thought about my nightly cocktail or glass of wine. I had no cravings for bread. Sweets sounded good as an idea, but I didn’t really want a cupcake. There was a near miss over fresh, hot popcorn. But my energy was up. And I’d lost four pounds. That, in and of itself, was enough motivation keep going.

What did your spouse and kid eat? Did you make them do it, too?
My spouse wanted to try it, but caved quickly to the dietary complexities of traveling. My kid already loves to eat fresh vegetables over most other options (I know. Luck of the draw.) and has always been underweight, so I wasn’t about to overhaul her eating with restrictiveness. I made her breakfasts and packed her lunches as usual. But mostly, the reason I didn’t bring them on board was this: I knew I couldn’t succeed if I was simultaneously trying to convert a child and a partner to new eating. For this, I focused on me. And they reaped the benefits, especially at dinner time.

So what were the final results? Would you do it again?
Thirty days later, I had eaten drawers full of produce, could fit into my favorite jeans comfortably for the first time in two years, had a clear complexion, no stomachaches, and had lost eleven pounds. Probably the biggest and most fascinating surprise was this: one night, while getting up from the couch, I was stunned to realize that the mystery pain in my shoulders, hips, and knees–which had crept up on me in the last year and felt like a tender bruise inside each of my major joints–had entirely disappeared. (Some very amateur googling suggests maybe it had been bursitis? Who knows. But with a family history of rheumatoid arthritis and auto-immune diseases, I’d been worried and in more than a little denial.) Clearly, some kind of inflammation was alleviated by this dietary change — though I managed to add a small amount of yoga to my routine, my (lack of ) exercise didn’t really change. And the pain still hasn’t returned.

My meal repertoire had expanded in fantastic ways — which it tends to do when you remove boxed and bagged carbs from your options. And I didn’t miss bread. At all. Which floored me. In fact, it became such an easy way to eat, I went 45 days without grains. The streak was broken during a trip out of town, visits with friends, restaurants, and less easy access to freshly prepared meals. Even so, I found myself always looking for the healthiest options instead of devouring a massive breakfast bagel as default.

What was your typical daily menu?
See all the lists above. My standbys were:
Breakfast: over-medium eggs on a pile of arugula with bacon or chicken sausage, olive oil, sea salt, black pepper, and sometimes a splash of balsamic. Huge glass of water. French press with cream. (Sometimes coconut milk, but it never had the right mouth-feel.) If you want to get really snobby, you could insist on fair-trade Ethiopian Yirgacheffe beans, like I do.

Lunch: Huge salad with as many colors as possible, maybe some pumpkin or sunflower seeds, balsamic and olive oil — or, gomashio (my mom mixes it for me) and sesame oil. A protein, often from the night before — grilled chicken, ham, leftover carnitas, couple wedges of cheese on occasion.

Dinner: Grilled or braised meat, raw salad, and some kind of cooked veg. Or another egg dish — crustless frittata, shakshuka, a few experiments with zucchini carbonara. Occasional glass of wine. Occasional piece of dark chocolate.

Snacks: Fruit, cultured yogurt, nuts. Full-fat coconut milk/chia seed/fruit “pudding” (just toss it all in the blender with a teaspoon of vanilla and it comes out like tapioca. Pretty awesome.) Water, water, water.

So now what?
In recent weeks, I’ve had a couple of pasta dinners and felt horrible the next day. (Specifically, stomachaches.) This could be the wheat content, or it could be because I binge eat when there’s a bowl of rigatoni and a slab of garlic bread in front of my face. It’s just way too much intake, of way too many refined carbs. This week, I was sick and wanted nothing but Triscuits and cheese, with no ill-effects. So I’m not sure what the culprits are — but I’m not obsessing over it. I’m aiming for a basic rule of thumb — choose fresh foods first. Get full at each meal, but not too full. That’s it, really.

The most important thing is that I relearned some much healthier habits and reprogrammed better mental behaviors. For me, the game of choice, played while standing at the pantry door, has always been a little self-destructive and indulgent. This helped me quiet those voices (you know the ones, “Oh, just one handful of chips. OK, two. Three is fine, you can always stop.” or, “You’re too tired to chop or peel anything, just treat yourself, you deserve it!”). I also proved to myself that even with an incredibly busy life, I can eat well.

So if it’s not paleo, what is it?
As I’ve mentioned, I’m not fond of labeling an effort to eat healthfully. I don’t want it to be a thing. But, if I had to point to a basic reference or source of philosophical inspiration, it would be Nina Planck, farmers market entrepreneur and food activist.

Planck’s words on what defines “real” food:

“It’s old and it’s traditional. How old? Grass-fed beef and wild salmon are two to three million years old – in the human and prehuman diet, that is. Milk is about 30,000 years old – 10,000 at the very least. We’ve been making cheese and yogurt the same way for several thousand years.

“By traditional, I mean it’s been farmed or raised and processed pretty much the way it used to be. Grass-fed beef, not soy-stuffed, hormone-laden beef. A whole egg, not a pasteurized egg-white only liquid. And real food, of course, is real. I’m for butter, not corn oil pretending to be butter. Real food is never an imitation of something else.”

So that’s it, guys. Here’s to keeping it real.


Above: That, my friends, is The Rebel Within — a savory muffin from Craftsman & Wolves, in San Francisco. Yes, that’s a soft-boiled egg baked inside a muffin. And yes, it was made with wheat flour. And yes, I devoured and enjoyed every single bite.